Super bummed

So last year I was tremendously happy with the apartment I found for my friend Kellen and I to share. I knew at the time that he would be applying to other schools for his PhD and that he would likely be going elsewhere this year, but I planned on staying here, finding another grad student to move in, and really making this my home for 3-4 years.

Yeah, well . . . it doesn’t look like that will happen. I haven’t found anyone willing to sign onto a July 1 lease, despite posting ads on Craigslist and Pitt’s off-campus housing site, I have yet to find someone that will work out. My leasing company makes changing names on the lease a bit of a pain: basically I would need to officially end this lease with Kellen, they would automatically return last year’s security deposit (half to each of us), and I would have to sign a new lease with someone else and put up another security deposit for July 1, even though I won’t get last year’s security deposit until the end of July. So in addition to not really finding anyone, I also don’t want to find anyone that will be here only for year and have to go through with this all over again.

I really, really, really don’t want to move. Not only because of the apartment, which I love, but because I’m so very tired of moving. But I don’t want to hold on for too much longer in hopes of finding someone and then not being able to find a place (one-bedroom hopefully, efficiency if necessary) in my current building or in the building next door (which is owned by the same leasing company). Especially because I’m going to try to find a place for June so I can move in leisurly rather than all in one go.

I know I’ve made the decision, but am still super bummed about it and while I should go downstairs today and ask about places for June and wrap this up as quickly as possible, I am resistant at the same time. So I’m writing this instead.

Now, there are good things about getting my own place, and I’m looking foward to some of them. But there are also, despite my love of alone-time, some negatives that do worry me. I tend to drink alone more often when living alone and can sometimes end up in dark moods because of that, I tend to find excuses more often to smoke, and I tend to waste time more often when there isn’t a roommate around. I am hopeful that enunciating these issues and fears (mostly to myself, but maybe a little to you, dear reader), will make me mindful of the fact that, perhaps, living alone is actually not as completely, one-hundred-percent perfect for me as I’ve thought for a rather long number of years, and that, while I certainly like many things about it, I need to recognize that my need for companionship is as integral as my need for solitude.

Which is why, even if I am paying more in rent and will need to budget much more carefully for the next couple of years, and even if not having a roommate will make dealing with trips away more complex, I very much need to get a cat when I go back to living alone. I think it will be hugely and emotionally beneficial to me and I know that I could put it off for a while with the justifiable concerns about money, I need to stop talking about getting a cat and just damn well get one. Nag me in Aug/Sept if you don’t start seeing pictures of a cute furball showing up here.

That’s the news for me for now. Sad about moving, but getting on with it and it will be nice knowing that barring something truly weird, I will know where I am going to be living for at least 2-3 years.

On this day..