I’ve been pretty damn busy. No surprise there, considering that I’m in a PhD program. What I didn’t expect is just how lonely I am without Erin, Cassie, and Piper to live with, my friend Jen to share dinners with, and a sense of community, even it it was small. Many of you may know just how disappointed I am with my apartment. Considering how excited I was by the prospect of having my own little cottage, the reality of the fact has been significantly upsetting, especially the fact that I can’t open my windows or my apartment fills with the smell of cigarette smoke from the people sitting out behind the building next door.
My school work is challenging and, while I’m not happy with the fact that I need to put in 5 hours/week for the marketing department, enjoyable enough. But I feel disconnected. More liminal than usual and while I try to keep my spirits up or, at the least, keep busy and not dwell too much on feelings of loneliness, it’s been a tough couple of months. That said, I’m very thankful for E.M.’s support, for the chance to grab a couple of beers and dinner with K.H., and the interesting discussion I had with J.F. about social psychology and some of the current research into power. I don’t want to give the impression that all is dire and full of gloom. I just . . . well, don’t seem able to find my footing, to feel grounded in the here and now, or find where I belong here.
Unfortunately, I’ve not been able to keep up with my goal to write creatively every day. I’m not giving up on incorporating that into my life, but I need to reformulate a new plan. Getting enough sleep and keeping up physical exercise is also proving difficult but I’m trying to set some patterns to keep myself healthy. They aren’t reflexive just yet, but I keep working on them. Last week I was in bed with lights out by 11 for two days. This week I’ll hopefully get to at least three. I also worked out in the morning two days this past week and will hopefully increase that number as well.
If you want to keep up with more of my thoughts on grad school, you can read ThisThus, but I’m going to try to get in the habit of posting here more often as well.
I’m ok. Not great. Not terrible. But I’m slowly trying to move toward becoming who I want to be, so that, in the end, is a positive thing.