500

This is post 500 . . . to be deep or just do a list of favorites looking back at the last 34 47 months?

Favorites it is . . .

Why We Need a Progressive Party Not More Fuzzy Liberalism.

Doctor Who

Seeing Death on the N Train

Geneva Conventions: The Drinking Game

Lars von Trier, Part 1

A Week Of Pictures – Monday

Images from this week of temping in Providence. Taken with my iPhone, I used both Photogene and Camerabag to do some color adjustments, crops, and to add filters and frames.

These were taken from the parking garage on Weybosset St. The first was from the morning on my way to the office and the second as I was leaving for the night.



Wandering the Towers – An Academic Romance, Part 1

This weekend: A room full of academics who study and love a marginalized art form. The ivory tower that I have often railed against and that I have fled, not once but three times.1 This weekend: the American Drama Conference at St. Francis College in Brooklyn, NY and I feel like I’m home. Even though I don’t know anyone at the reception until The Playgoer shows up, I don’t feel like a complete outsider. I know these people. I understand these people. I am, in many ways, one these people even though I am not currently a graduate student.

So the question becomes, why do I keep disavowing them? Why do I keep leaving academic institutions when they fail to be perfect, when departments and faculty fail to live up to my expectations, or when I find myself having to fight against large and unweildy institutions that do not, it seems, have the best interests of their students at heart? I’m not sure. The past two days, however, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about my relationship to academia and I think romance is an appropriate description of that relationship. There is certainly nothing wrong with romance, but you can’t base a long-term, day-in-day-out relationship solely on the heady stuff of passion and romantic desire. There has to be commitment and friendship and genuine respect and humility. More importantly, there needs to be a kind of submission to the idea of two individuals becoming a third and inclusive category: “us.”

Ok, so maybe I’m going a little overboard with the romance metaphor, but the comparison is an apt one. I’m not good at relinquishing control, whether to insitutions or to loved ones. I am beginning to suspect that my desperate clinging to self-control, and my desire to be emotionally self-sufficient have been partly to blame for my on-again, off-again relationship with grad school. I’ve also been an incredibly unforgiving and judgemental person when it comes to teachers who do not live up to my expectations of how a good teacher ought to perform in the classroom. No, strike that. My expectations go beyond holding faculty to “good” standards: I looked for brilliance in the classroom and when certain men and women failed to live up to these expectations or when they were shown to be bullies or relished their power a bit too much, I scorned them. I refused to forgive. I metaphorically shook my fists at the injustice of it all and found myself wandering away from the whole because of a few parts. I acted like a jealous and betrayed lover: angry, spiteful to the point of self-injury, and unforgiving.

Throughout my relationship with graduate school, I wanted to recapture the first blush of excitement that I found at Rhode Island College when, at 27, I went back to school for my undergraduate degree. Thanks to an incredible English department, I had my mind blown open by feminist and critical theory, by Lacan and Derrida, by Luce Irigaray and Kaja Silverman and a whole host of ideas and questions and thoughts that literally changed how I saw the world. Even though I was a double major in Theatre and English and even though I was just starting to fall in love with directing theatre, it was the classes I had with Richard Feldstein, Kay Kalinak, Claudia Springer, and Joan Dagle that re-worked the wiring of my brain in fundamental ways and made me want to be a graduate student and, someday, an academic. Those years were like the first few weeks of a new romance, when every utterence makes your heart pound and your head spin and you want to stay up all night talking and touching and you feel yourself filled by this recent stranger who suddenly, rushingly, becomes indespensible to your life. The work I did at RIC, the new ideas and thoughts that I was exposed to and wrestled with on a daily basis were so damned sexy. Graduate school, no matter its qood qualities and enticements, is not a sexy process.2 Don’t get me wrong, there are delicious moments as a grad student; moments of intellectual excitement and even a mental orgasm here and there, but on a daily basis, sexy it is not.

Let me be completely honest here: I have committment issues when it comes to relationships. I also have committment issues in my academic life. I have, until this weekend, considered these parts of my life to be seperate. Now . . . I’m not so sure. I have a sneaking suspicion that my troubles in one may be reflective of my troubles in the other.

(Link to Part 2)

  1. 1) leaving the University of Rhode Island after four years with no degree. 2) Finishing my Masters degree while working full-time and deciding to forgo the PhD program at the University of Maryland even though I was accepted and on fellowship for several more years. 3) Quitting CUNY’s The Graduate School (again despite being on fellowship) after one year and the realization that I was distinctly unhappy with the prospect of spending five to seven more years in NYC and jumping through a series of hoops for several professors that I found it difficult to respect as teachers no matter how much I respected them as scholars. []
  2. And here I’m mainly referring to MA and PhD programs. MFA programs are sigificantly different and can be very, very sexy. []

How Cool Is This

As I write this, I’m listening to RadioParadise.com’s music stream on my iPhone while on a moving Amtrak train as I compose and post this entry.

I know that technology cannot solve all of the problems we face as a species. I have to admit though, that I think our scientific and technological capabilities, not to mention what is right around the proverbial corner, make me glad that I’m living now rather than any time in the past.

Zombie Chic

No doubt about it: zombies are hip. From flash mobs to calendars to movies to comics to tv, zombies have seized our popular imagination between their bloody teeth and show no sign of letting go. Their popularity is similar to the explosion of radioactive monster movies of the 50s, but the zombie phenomenon seems even bigger, generating a fear and fascination that has gotten into our very entrails. IO9 recently posted a chart that showed how peaks in zombie entertainment match periods of social stress. There is, of course, nothing surprising about this correlation, but the undead seem to have a pretty big chunk of our attention these days.

I would argue that this is partly because there aren’t many monsters left that can really terrify. Vampires these days are more sensual than scary. Werewolves and their ilk—symbols of unstable identity and the darkness within—are not nearly as frightening in a postmodern world. Besides, there is something of the fairy tale about stories about vampires and shapeshifters that allows us to keep them from really getting to us, from really dropping our hearts into our stomachs and filling us with dark dread. Giant monsters seems quaint in a world where we are more frightened of the bomb on a subway or biological warfare than massive atomic warfare. All the city smashing of a Godzille or Mothra is far less frightening than the steady and mindless approach of zombies. Aliens can still sometimes trigger real fear in some stories, but the don’t pack quite the same punch when it comes to really scaring the bejeezus out of you.

It is the twisted reflection of ourselves that most frightens us. It is the Jack the Rippers, the cannibals, the serial killers and sociopaths that show us horror in ways that sink into our flesh, that make our blood run cold. We cannot turn away because we are seeing ourselves as monster. What’s more, we recognize that this is a monster that we can never stake through the heart or kill with a silver bullet or destroy with bombs or powerful guns or even destroy by jettisoning into the deepest interstellar spaces.

Our monsters, ourselves.

We live in a world of chaos. We live in a world that constantly threatens the integrity of our very bodies. How can we pretend that we can keep ourselves and our loved ones safe when terrorism might explode around us with no warning? With the planet melting around us, how long can we pretend that we even have a future? The real-life scary things seem so damned inexorable that it’s hard to believe that we as individuals can do anything about them. Add in the fact that our information age has produced a world that is far more complex and detailed than any individual can process and that our political system seems to have spiraled out of our control and that we are all working longer hours for less pay and that most of us either have no health care or have crappy health care and so our very bodies—in addition to possibly breaking down from all the crap we consume—become a significant economic threat; add in the fact that most of us are sleep deprived, running on caffeine or other stimulants on a daily basis and that we have cut ourselves off from the natural rhythms of night and day and is it any wonder that we fetishize the zombie.

There is never just one zombie. Even if there is a “patient zero,” the terror of the zombie lies in the fact that there are always more dead people than living people. Like every employee of a large corporation, each zombie is expendable and, in some cases, even relatively easy to kill. But like a corporation, zombies have no leader, no heart, no humanity and it doesn’t matter if individuals fall by the wayside, the zombies press on, hungry for more, consuming every living thing that they can get their maggot-ridden hands on. The symbol of desire and consumption carried to its ultimate conclusion, zombies are as faceless as Walmart, as implacable as Exxon, as soulless as Monsanto. No matter how brave and strong the hero of a zombie story might be, the best he or she can achieve is a delaying action. Life cannot win against death. In the history of our world, life has never beat death.

So, the zombies win. The zombies always win.

Even if they don’t win in the movie or the tv show, even if the living beat them back and pick up the pieces of humanity and start to build a new future, we know in the marrow of our bones and in the pounding muscle of our hearts that the zombies will always win. Zombies bring us face to rotting face with the simply fact that there is no beating death. Perhaps even that we are our own death. Do we blame ourselves for being mortal? Do we blame our bodies for not being able to resist the ravages of time and of our environment? Do we blame our skin for tearing so goddamned easily? Our organs for rupturing and our muscles for failing? Do we blame ourselves? De we, on some level, believe that we truly deserve a grizzly and brutal punishment for failing to be the immortal gods that we were supposed to be? Do zombies reflect our willingness to give up our individuality and rationality, to give up hope in the future?

Just like most good monsters, zombies can be read in myriad ways: manifestation of our fear of dying, symbol of rapacious capitalism, capitulation to chaos, sadistic desire to punish ourselves for not really bothering to live while we had the chance. What they are not is mindless or scary fun. We are telling story after story of zombies for a reason. We are trying to tell ourselves something about our lives by revisiting these shambling, rotting bodies that have no grand evil plan, no world-dominating goal. The zombie is simple—we might even use the term “pure”—in its desire to consume living flesh. What it is we are trying to tell ourselves, I’m not entirely sure, but I do believe that its important for us to try and understand just what zombies mean and why we keep pulling them out of the grave so we can scare ourselves to death.

Metaphorically speaking of course.