Self Sabotage

The original idea for my oncoming adventure was to move to Truth or Consequences, try to find work at the Spaceport in order to be part of building something that I find terribly exciting, blog, podcast or otherwise document the building of the Spaceport and create a life that let me focus, as much as possible on my creative work (especially my writing).

But lately, I’ve been hedging my bets, telling people that T or C might be too small and I might end up in Las Cruces because it’s bigger and will be easier to find work and is more practical for me to consider as an alternative to T or C. But I don’t want to live in a city, even a small one, right now. Sure, after 8 million people, 100,000 is not much more than a town. Yes, my reasoning may also be sound and I may indeed end up in Las Cruces for a variety of reasons. However, I find myself leaning toward Las Cruces because it’s a choice that seems safer, that provides more of a known quantity than T or C—I’m not sure I know how to live in a town of only 9000 or so people and what would I do without a university nearby and theatres and . . . and . . .

Well, that’s kinda the point isn’t it? To live in a place where I can focus on writing. Not only practicing the craft but on developing a stronger habit of writing. I mean, part of this whole journey a search for the physical, mental and emotional spaces that will enable me to find myself, to find my core strength as writer. The more distractions offered by my surroundings (especially during the beginning stages of this journey) the greater the odds of me, magpie-like, getting distracted by shiny objects (directing theatre, taking undergraduate classes in philosophy or economics or computer science, starting theatre companies, etc.).

Are there reasons I might end up in Las Cruces? Sure there are, but mentally I’ve been giving up T or C before I even get out there and check out the situation. A lack of trust in my own resourcefulness and abilities perhaps?

On this day..